Most of the time, when women, especially me, ask for an opinion or reaction, we are seeking affirmation. Tell us something we don't want to hear and they'll get riled up. Who likes to deal with unpleasantries? Telling it like it really is - you've put on weight; you don't look nice today; you need to do something with your hair - will make people upset.
So much of our relationships with people we care about is couched in euphemisms.
We usually cushion harsh truths from them not because of evil intentions but because we don't want to hurt them. We think that making positive remarks will protect them, encourage them, buoy them. And we expect them to do the same for us.
Not my fiance. He thinks "if I really care for a person, telling the truth might hurt her, but it might also set her on a correct path to be better."
I agree with him, at least, so that he can guide me and groom me. To a certain extent that is.
The issue isn't so much what you say, but how you say it, mate.
The words he used against me sometimes, can be harshly, but its message did actually make me ponder about myself, which can only be good. Sometimes what he say contains truth in it.
But usually, being the ever-so-sensitive me, I would get hurt by his remarks or responses. I would think "what was that all about? what brought that on? I was only making small talk but its one thing to say this about myself and another for him to be so mean about it." My mind would race furiously to think of a sarcastic reply to text/retort back, but usually I don't bother.
Really. I think. How dare him.
Then he apologised the next day and say sorry blah blah blah, and yet defended himself the reason why he said all that. Naye mate. Me a better lawyer than yer. Objection overruled. Savvy?
Feeling appeased, I was cetain he's saying all that now because he felt bad about what he said. I was certai he was regretting itand I was, in fact, feeling rather triumphant about the situation.
You think so?
Nah.
"Nope. I know my words are harsh on you, but I feel that you need to know that (I mean it)."
I was about to get worked up again when I checked myself.
Actually, he's right.
I was angry with him because he was right. And it hurts real bad for someone I dearly loved, to tell me of my shortcomings to my face. The unexpected shot of hard honesty when I was expecting soft, cooing words of vague sympathy mde me vulnerable because I hadn't realised that others could detect the weak spots in me so easily. It got my defences up.
There were two ways I could counter what he said. Deny it and be angry, or accept the truth and deal with it, and shut up.
I decided to opt for the latter. (A very smart decision which apparently save our relationship many times.) I learnt alot during the course of our 3 year relationship. Especially on how to handle and communicate with him. This is the only person I have ever known, (with the exception of my father) whom I have to admit his spot-on assessments of me, and tell him the ways on how I think I can improve myself and how he can help me after he machine-gunned me with lethally-poisonous adjectives of me.
How I wished I can bullet-proof my ears.
I rarely bitch or rant and rave to my friends about my problems. Rarely.
I don't have many friends. No friends. At least not many real friends whom I can call in the middle of the night if I need someone to talk to, or call for last minute dinners/drinks. I can count them with a single hand. Let me count them. There's Syikin... and Sheryl.. and.. Kak Nana.. and.. oh yes..Felix... and..err.. my fiance?
Yup. That's about it.
True. I'm a sad person. I chose to stay away from friends for certain reasons.
I avoided male friends and acquantainces, because I have more guy friends than girl friends. I tend to seek comfort in talking to my guy buddies and I love hanging out with my best guy friends compared to their female counterparts. Since I am engaged to be married, I wanted to avoid any misunderstandings with/between my man and my (strictly platonic) men.
Problem is, I expect the same from my man. And he does not seem to get it. I'm sick and tired of having to argue with him on this again, so I resolved to chatting up my male buddies again. But sometimes, it just wears me out to maintain friendships. Which is why I'm the sad, lonely little girl that I am. My life revolves around my fiance and I spent most of my time with him.
I am taking someone to court and suing his ass on Tuesday. Wish me luck.
